The Bathroom Door


I’ve been stuck in my bathroom for over thirty-six hours now. Well, stuck isn’t quite the right word. The trouble is, every time I open the bathroom door, it leads somewhere else, and none of these places are places that I want to be.

The last time I checked, the door led to Hong Kong, which wouldn’t be all that bad if I had happened to bring my passport to the bathroom. It seems like a nice place, but I was afraid to go outside.

A couple of hours ago, the door went into somebody’s apartment in France. That was kind of awkward. I think that they tried to chase after me, but once I closed the door, the destination changed and they were only able to find their bedroom closet.

I’m really hungry. I’ve been drinking water from the sink, but this bathroom has absolutely nothing to eat. I keep opening the door over and over again, but it never leads me to a place anywhere near my home. Even if the door opened into a restaurant, I wouldn’t be able to go in and get food, because when the door closes behind me, I’d be stuck there with no way to get back. In fact, I don’t have my wallet on me, so I wouldn’t be able to buy anything anyway.

One time I opened the bathroom door and it led me to the year 1973. That made me kind of nervous. In fact, that one turned into an awkward situation too.

After spending half an hour opening and closing the door, leading into homes, businesses, cars, and even other bathrooms, it starts to feel pretty hopeless. And one time I opened a door that happened to be an emergency exit on an airplane, nearly sucking me out into a several hundred foot fall, and that was just a bit too much excitement for me. Eventually you have to take a break, sit on the toilet, and think over a new plan.

I could try breaking through the walls. But then again, my house might no longer be on the other side. And I just redid the wallpaper, so it would be a horrible waste.

Earlier this morning I opened a door that ended up leading into a jail cell. Some really big scary guys tried to barge into my bathroom, so I had to close the door again pretty quickly. How disappointed they would have been to go from one prison to another!

I interrupted a third grade class shortly after. And then I ended up in a really loud factory. I swear one time I was somewhere in The White House. For the first couple hours, this was all interesting, and fun, and whatever, but as time goes on, I’m feeling a lot more desperate. And really, I am incredibly hungry.

I need to figure out how this happened. Is it the door, or is it the bathroom? Did my bathroom lose its position in the space-time continuum somehow, just floating around and popping in wherever it feels? I sure hope that the rest of my house is okay, but at this rate I doubt that I’ll ever see it.

I could leave this bathroom. I could walk out the door and just accept that I’m lost in a foreign country, or awkward place. Getting back home would be a hassle, but eventually doable. The problem is explaining to everybody why I have no money, or passport, or any sort of identification whatsoever. If leaving eventually becomes necessary, as my hunger grows ever stronger, then I’d better make sure that I end up in a nice place.

I close the door. I open the door. A clothing store in Sacramento.

I close the door. I open the door. A coffee shop in Austria.

I close the door. I open the door. A dark room, likely someone’s basement.

I close the door. I open the door. A bus in Tokyo.

I just want to go home.


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